Who I am to Myself

Self-identity: by this I mean, the categories and adjectives you place on yourself and understand yourself through (and thus, not necessarily how others categorize and define you unless you choose to incorporate their perspective). We all have one, be it good or bad. Some people are nerds and devote themselves fervently to a subgenre of esoteric skill or knowledge. Some people are jocks and excel in a sport or sports. Some people thrive in leadership and see themselves, even subconsciously, as directors and initiators of group purpose. But self-identity is such a wider thing than these. Nationality, ethnicity, religion, relationships, education, and every ounce of one's history play into self-identity.

So who am I? I'll describe the part of my identity that inspired this thought. I finished my Hebrew test and know, passionately know, that I aced it. If I didn't, it was by a severe moment of hallucination. This sense of doing well on a test, being an excellent student, being graded for my knowledge and proving worthy, it is an integral part of who I am. I am the good test-taker, the smart guy, the scholarly pursuant. I forgot how good it feels to be in a system where my talents are the prime manner of judgment. It is ego-boosting. I am puffed with pride and all but strutting.

Is this a sin? Am I placing value in something that is not the Lord? Shouldn't I derive my self-value, my self-identity from kinship with the Christ? Indeed, these are true, and as a healthy Christian, I would define myself and value myself in this way. But I would say I have not been healthy in my spiritual life for some time, and while I do know I should find value foremostly in Christ, I find so much affirmation in this simple thing, a mere mid-term.

If anything, this part of myself is what I lost my senior year in college. I did poorly on my final paper and I lost this feeling, this academic pride. I just might be regaining it in this semester. God willing, I will learn to integrate my identity as a Christian seamlessly with my academic identity. I exhibit many anxieties and flaws as an academic because I still doubt myself and don't perform as well as I know I could. But until I become full, I praise God who gave back to me a little missing piece of me.