Better Than Bad

I once thought I was a habit-less man, someone who simply fails to form meaningful regularity in my life. This is, upon reflection, a false understanding. I have been developing habits all along, they are simply self-destructive and lethargic habits. I had trouble getting up and doing a daily devotional, not because I didn't have the willpower to get out of bed, but because my will and desires led me to the Internet and WoW, not to piety and soul-feeding. I have trouble finishing what I start or even starting some useful project because I have a habit of putting pleasure before purpose. Pleasure, sadly, is indeed my purpose. And thinking about a one-shot Warhammer 40k campaign is a lot more pleasurable than writing woefully tardy thank you notes.

If there is any hope for salvaging my last year in my mind, it is that this year was spent becoming brutally aware of the harm that my habits do, both to myself and to others. A great deal of my problem from the end of college to today would be easily solved if I had good priorities and only indulged in leisure after the work has been done. But why do the boring things of life when instant gratification is so easily obtained through other methods?

Graduate school blesses me with new purpose and a schedule. Not since I graduated from Calvin did I have a steady, consistent lifestyle. I realize, perhaps for the very first time, that I need that consistency and my life has been utterly lacking it. Or, more precisely, it has a consistency that leeches away my happiness, in final analysis, instead of promoting it. I've learned that it is not enough to know that you should develop good habits. You need to carve out a place in your life, break old habits so new ones can have a fighting chance. It's daunting to realize just how much WoW and RPGs and The Internet really take away my time and leave me without a sense of completion or rest. Escapism is no real escape, only a delay. It is best to handle problems and cease all delay. At least until a genuine need for rest arises.

As I have now. I've had a good long day and must awake tomorrow to prepare coffee for the office. Is it ironic that I have to wake up early to make coffee so other people can wake up early?