Chronicles of Dan v2.0

Online Training

2011-08-11T23:44:00.002-04:00

In order to begin my shadowing period at Chik-Fil-A, I must complete a rigorous battery of video watching and testing. The concept intrigues me. On one hand, I feel like they are essentially getting free work hours by having me do this on my free time. On the other, I know how flippant other food service venues can be about their training. At the very least, Chik will know that I've seen all the videos and that they will be reinforced in the shadowing process.

Signed up for classes today, waitlisted on two others that I would've preferred to get in. Only two this time, to see how I'll do with my schedule in Chik-Fil-A, Grace Extension, and youth group. My pastimes have already taken the brunt of loss in this season of my life. I resigned as an officer in World of Warcraft and will most probably cancel my and Jessica's subscription soon. D&D may soon follow, depending on how my schedule with Chik works out (40 hours fit into evenings are not a simple task).

I feel inspired by a victory in a friend's life. A wise man, he has saved a significant amount of money and is going to finish paying off his college debt soon. This is a mighty feat in this day and age, one I hope to imitate. It is a positive envy, not wishing him to be placed back in debt, but a desire to join him in a debt-less (or lessened) freedom. I will have to set up a new budget soon.

Today has not gone very successfully. Tomorrow I will act with firmer diligence. The sooner I finish this training, the sooner I am able to start getting paid.

Young Adults

2011-08-10T23:44:00.002-04:00

It is bizarre, looking at my life. I have such a wretched tendency to avoid maturity. Throughout college, throughout marriage, throughout seminary, I continue in my childish manner. I play WoW and other assorted video games. I am lax in my bible readies and devotionals. My hygiene is lackluster as I'm sure my wife will most readily attest. Even the very thing I think I should devote my entire life to, the acquisition and teaching of biblical and theological knowledge, I procrastinate and care little about.

My life has been a sad tale due to my immaturity. My friendships weaken. My marriage tenses. My work relationships are strained. My house relationships (as I currently live and have lived in another man's home) are always just on the brink of confrontation. I spend half my life pretending that I'm a responsible adult and the other half shirking those very same responsibilities.

The future is terrifying. For the first time in my recollection, I will be employed full time at a position in Chik-Fil-A Mentor. For the first time, I feel inspired, concerned over my performance. If I succeed, I will be a stable bread winner for my family, a successful adult in at least one fashion. If I fail, I will most probably get fired, or worse, eke out an existence of self-loathing and job-loathing. I have another job, working as a teacher in a homeschool program. If I succeed, children shall know about biology, physical science, and logic. If I fail, they will be unprepared for their future education.

Adulthood is responsibility, serious business. Success and Failure are grand things, real potentialities. There is no one to hold my hand, no one to let me slip by if I don't do well enough. Real life, real consequences. God save me. At least I have a life interesting enough to write about again.

Ghostcrawler was a Jerk, But...

2011-01-14T09:49:00.003-05:00

After dialoguing a little more, I've started to understand some of the frustration of healers in the Cataclysm era. It's not that the content is more difficult (though it is a part). It's not that people don't understand this difficulty and modify behavior to defeat it (though it too is a part). There's a large part of anger due to the arrogance and dismissiveness on Ghostcrawler's part, but that doesn't explain the backlash entire.

The problem is that Blizzard did not orchestrate this transition as well as they should've. LFD in Wrath required a very low threshold of communication and strategy due to the presence of extreme gear. It conditioned players to expect survival and victory, to view healers as subpar if they could not keep up with the fallout of ignoring mechanics and chain pulling. There needed to be some more exemplary work done to ease the transition to a mana conversation/ survival-focused (as opposed to survival-given) PuG style.

Hindsight is 20/20, but they could've done this using the pre-Cata events. It's a situation where you have a ton of players experiencing the same, new content. Why not explain the new mechanics using it? I'm imagining minibosses that can't just be healed through, adds that NEED to be CC'd to prevent a wipe. Extreme examples to illustrate a point: this is not Wrath. Cata is not what you're used to.

But personally, I put the brunt of the responsibility of individual players. Blizzard does not make players rude or judgmental; players do that to themselves. Given any threshold of communication or strategy, it is the players' duty to adjust with consideration for the other players. If the players as an aggregate gave grace and expected hurdles as we adjusted to the new system, no matter how jarring, it would've been a thousandfold smoother.

Ironically, here is where being a Calvinist becomes useful. Our nature is so depraved, I have no reason to expect such grace. This unpleasantness, at its root, is the result of human brokeness, partly on Blizzard's side, mostly on our side.

Cataclysm Saved 5-man Instances

2011-01-13T11:46:00.004-05:00

This post is in response to a good friend of mine, particularly this blog post: http://cellotlix.blogspot.com/2011/01/ghostcrawler-youre-fucking-moron.html

Wow, that’s a lot of angst. My natural response is to defend the game, a source of delight for myself. So, I will dialogue against your position. I apologize if anything I say is too antagonistic; it is not intended to be.

As a tank/dps, I view the changes to healing from that perspective, which admittedly limits my anger. I don’t see this so much as a nerf to healers as a challenge to tank/dps. In Cata, you are no longer free to say when you die, “IT IS THE HEALER’S FAULT!” In Wrath, that wasn’t necessarily the case.

For example: Heroic Trial of Champion, tank was standing in the Death and Decay on the last boss. Never moved out of it. At least two melee dps were dancing in and out of it to deal some damage. The healer never went below 50% mana. A source of raid-quality gear, when run by a reasonable healer and a stupid tank, is completely manageable. This is the norm of Wrath: dangerous mechanics are safely ignored, because the healer COULD heal you through. That potential carrying, though, becomes a burden for healers. It’s your DUTY to heal through the fail. A tank dies, the subtle undertone would always be, “But the healer could’ve done better.”

Now, as a tank/dps, I cannot say that, even theoretically. Example: If I run in, even as a 76 tank in a 74 dungeon, I empirically observe I will die if I pull too much or ignore fire or dots or don’t use my cooldowns. I, and I ALONE, can help the healer keep me alive. If I die, the burden was on my shoulders, never the healer’s.

In ironic contradiction to your assault, Ghostcrawler and Blizzard are trying to move the community away from the “Blame the healer” mentality, not pushing them towards it. If the healer COULD save your sorry butt, there is the subtle but easily attainable implication that she SHOULD. If she cannot, the burden is not upon her. Now, people are still in the Wrath mentality, assuming that this is still a manageable burden. If things work well, it is entirely possible that healers will be judged, not more, but less!

But what if they don’t convince people that this change is the case? What if people still yell and complain that the healer should keep them alive, when it is not their capacity to do so, given player stupidity? Put simply, that is not Blizzard’s capacity to solve. Indeed, it never was.

Telling Blizzard they need to make a fun environment for healers is like telling them they have to moderate the Internet. Anonymous self-centered people are far more vocal then IRL self-centered people, always. Blizzard cannot make these people stop judging you without giving you a 100% of success, no matter what the failures of your party members. Even then, people will stick out their tongues and say “Healing is EZ Modezors!!11one.” This was the place of DPS in Wrath. It doesn’t matter how many bosses you kill, you’re still expendable, replaceable meat, a warm body to fill out a raid or party quota.

In summary, the healing changes Blizzard made were not out of hatred of healers, but out of love. The trajectory of Wrath style 5-mans was easy to easier, inevitably putting blame on the healers as the decider between success and defeat. Cata dungeon philosophy, however, reminds us of the group nature of 5-mans. Your healer is now a person, one who needs your help. She is not and never can be again an anonymous stream of endless heals, which if insufficient, imply failure on her end. DPS have regained their dignity: we need to interrupt, CC, do things BESIDES our rotation. Tanks are weaker now; they can no longer be the rockstar instaqueue gods who bless us with their presence (though undoubtably some will continue in this manner). The tank needs his healer and dps, just as they need him.

It is my contention that Cataclysm has been a great equalizer. Tanks are not invincible. Healers are not pocket Jesuses who can raise all runs from pits of defeat. DPS actually do something besides DPS. It's a sharp and ugly transition, but it was necessary. Therefore, I am grateful.

Blessed Assurance

2011-01-11T09:23:00.002-05:00

It takes a lot to knock a Calvinist off his assurance. Books have been written (a particularly good one by James Hogg about it going too far) concerning our unflagging trust in our own election. Our God is absolutely sovereign and his choice is so ironclad absolute that if he picks us, we can rest assured (hah!) that no devil or man, even our own foolish self, can wrest us away. This has its advantages and disadvantages.

Advantage: we never have to toss at night, doubting whether God truly loves us or whether we are good enough to receive his love. No matter how black the night may be, God is confidently there and still holds this relationship.

Disadvantage: we get lazy. Having so perfect an assurance, we don't delve into the moral and ethical aspects of Christianity as much as we should. Now, this is merely an expectation; many great Calvinists are mightily moral. But on the whole, a Calvinist will have less reason to perform righteous works, given that our salvation is not in question.

Methodists, as my observation allows, have an assurance based on the inner witness of the Spirit. God speaks to them, warms their heart, assures them that they are well within the family. This witness of the Holy Spirit is interwoven with one's own spirit's witness, that through reading Scripture's precepts and coming one's life to Scripture, we can rationally deduce that we are within the good graces of God.

Without question, this results in a motivation to holier living. Your assurance is linked to your holy behavior; living as a sinner will earn a rebuke from the Spirit and, reasonably, put your correlation with Scripture into doubt. But I feel like it holds a great weakness compared to the Calvinist assurance: it immediately falters during the dark moments when God feels distant. The assumption is that when one is right with God, his warm assurance is constant, never ending. But it seems that there are time of perseverance where God does not warm the soul, where darkness lies on the heart and closeness seems empty. The answer from a Calvinist is simple; cling to the Lord all the more, but be assured, Christ is still in you. From a Methodist, I'd wager, the answer would be to pray, read, and worship more, seeking that assurance to return. But if the assurance is not present, if you do not having the witness of the Spirit at a moment, can you truly call yourself saved? If Calvinists are too complacent in their sovereign God, Methodist are too dependent on an experiential aspect that may not always be present.

Now, application. As a Christian, nominally a Calvinist, I feel pulled to the necessity of holy living, but perhaps I needed a Methodist kick to get there. The theology of Methodism is backed by an an astounding bounty of spiritual fruit. Pondering it, I wonder if I would not benefit from integrating some portions into my Calvinism. Is it strange to say, by going to a Methodist seminary, I will become a better Calvinist?

Who I am to Myself

2010-10-21T19:39:00.003-04:00

Self-identity: by this I mean, the categories and adjectives you place on yourself and understand yourself through (and thus, not necessarily how others categorize and define you unless you choose to incorporate their perspective). We all have one, be it good or bad. Some people are nerds and devote themselves fervently to a subgenre of esoteric skill or knowledge. Some people are jocks and excel in a sport or sports. Some people thrive in leadership and see themselves, even subconsciously, as directors and initiators of group purpose. But self-identity is such a wider thing than these. Nationality, ethnicity, religion, relationships, education, and every ounce of one's history play into self-identity.

So who am I? I'll describe the part of my identity that inspired this thought. I finished my Hebrew test and know, passionately know, that I aced it. If I didn't, it was by a severe moment of hallucination. This sense of doing well on a test, being an excellent student, being graded for my knowledge and proving worthy, it is an integral part of who I am. I am the good test-taker, the smart guy, the scholarly pursuant. I forgot how good it feels to be in a system where my talents are the prime manner of judgment. It is ego-boosting. I am puffed with pride and all but strutting.

Is this a sin? Am I placing value in something that is not the Lord? Shouldn't I derive my self-value, my self-identity from kinship with the Christ? Indeed, these are true, and as a healthy Christian, I would define myself and value myself in this way. But I would say I have not been healthy in my spiritual life for some time, and while I do know I should find value foremostly in Christ, I find so much affirmation in this simple thing, a mere mid-term.

If anything, this part of myself is what I lost my senior year in college. I did poorly on my final paper and I lost this feeling, this academic pride. I just might be regaining it in this semester. God willing, I will learn to integrate my identity as a Christian seamlessly with my academic identity. I exhibit many anxieties and flaws as an academic because I still doubt myself and don't perform as well as I know I could. But until I become full, I praise God who gave back to me a little missing piece of me.

Better Than Bad

2010-09-07T22:39:00.002-04:00

I once thought I was a habit-less man, someone who simply fails to form meaningful regularity in my life. This is, upon reflection, a false understanding. I have been developing habits all along, they are simply self-destructive and lethargic habits. I had trouble getting up and doing a daily devotional, not because I didn't have the willpower to get out of bed, but because my will and desires led me to the Internet and WoW, not to piety and soul-feeding. I have trouble finishing what I start or even starting some useful project because I have a habit of putting pleasure before purpose. Pleasure, sadly, is indeed my purpose. And thinking about a one-shot Warhammer 40k campaign is a lot more pleasurable than writing woefully tardy thank you notes.

If there is any hope for salvaging my last year in my mind, it is that this year was spent becoming brutally aware of the harm that my habits do, both to myself and to others. A great deal of my problem from the end of college to today would be easily solved if I had good priorities and only indulged in leisure after the work has been done. But why do the boring things of life when instant gratification is so easily obtained through other methods?

Graduate school blesses me with new purpose and a schedule. Not since I graduated from Calvin did I have a steady, consistent lifestyle. I realize, perhaps for the very first time, that I need that consistency and my life has been utterly lacking it. Or, more precisely, it has a consistency that leeches away my happiness, in final analysis, instead of promoting it. I've learned that it is not enough to know that you should develop good habits. You need to carve out a place in your life, break old habits so new ones can have a fighting chance. It's daunting to realize just how much WoW and RPGs and The Internet really take away my time and leave me without a sense of completion or rest. Escapism is no real escape, only a delay. It is best to handle problems and cease all delay. At least until a genuine need for rest arises.

As I have now. I've had a good long day and must awake tomorrow to prepare coffee for the office. Is it ironic that I have to wake up early to make coffee so other people can wake up early?

On Warriors and the Horde in General

2010-08-17T20:08:00.004-04:00

For those of you with no interest in World of Warcraft, please be inclined to ignore this post.

In my last month of WoW (and indeed, it shall be the last month I shall ever play on this account), I finally find the class that I enjoy the most: The Warrior. It is strange that I should only fully realize this now, given that I have made two warriors in the past and enjoyed them to an extent. The first was a short term character on a friend's server and the second was a character made to play with another friend. Sadly, my tanking skills were frightfully abysmal at the time and he died far more than he should. Perhaps that is what put me off to the class. But now, in solo play, I need not worry about that and all of the class's good qualities shine through.

The warrior class rewards you for doing things that you're already expecting to do. Are you being hit in the face? Good! You get rage for that. Doing damage? Good, more rage! Did you dodge an attack just now? Excellent, Revenge is now available! But even more delightful, the class rewards you for things that your opponent does right. If he dodges, Overpower procs. If he is hitting too fast and regular, you can use Retaliation and give him a taste of the pain. With the warrior, I feel like I finally get to use a shield and like it. Perhaps it is due to my time as a shaman, but I've always felt my shield was a meaningless novelty. But as a warrior, it has extensive worth, giving me survivability far behind normal with various skills linked to it.

Another reason I might be enjoying this character just so very much is because I'm playing decked out in heirloom items, giving me absurd power. Few creatures last longer than 3 GCDs against my "whirling green buzzsaw" (as quoted from Big Bear Butt). The game seems infinitely less grindy, or perhaps, the grind seems more efficient and smooth. I can only guess that Cataclysm will make things even better. Perhaps I will log onto Jessica's account someday and see.

A final note: I discussed the morality of the Horde with a friend of mine recently. The Horde gets a bad rep for being evil, and let us be honest, a lot of times elements within it are distinctly evil. The past two expansions, a Horde race has played the role as antagonist to the whole MMO (Blood Elves to Burning Crusade and Forsaken to Wrath). You can say they are only radical groups in an otherwise healthy society...but I don't think that can even be believed.

In a purely lore sense, there are no Light-driven Horde characters. Troll and Forsaken priests are decidedly followers of the Shadow. If you don't believe me, find me a quest where they play a distinctly Holy role. I can show you a dozen where they demand fresh victims for their plots or magics. Blood Elves got to be paladins because they captured, enslaved, and sucked the Light out of one of the kindest being in the universe. Now, you can make an argument for fringe characters, some fight against the grain. There is a Forsaken paladin who channels the Light despite the pain. The Tauren seem at least interested in the Light as represented in their Earth Mother. But remember, these are the exceptions that prove the rule. If things turned out differently, Trolls would still be happy being cannibals and Blood Elves would still be drinking their happy juice from a Naaru-shaped cup.

But here's the thing: the reason that there are so many dark elements in the Horde is not because it is inherently evil, but instead because it is so accepting. Thrall sees the Blood Elves, empathizes with their addiction to magic as analogous to the Orc demon-addiction and brings them in. He takes in the Forsaken, and let's be honest, not just as a tactical ally but because he thinks they deserve a chance. You know what would've happened if he didn't? The Forsaken would've been swept away by Alliance brutality. I doubt the Alliance would've even realized they regained sentience. For all the Alliance propaganda about being good, that reality is askew. They are not so much good as pure, rigidly and unbendingly pure. The Horde lets in races and people who made mistakes and quite possibly will continue making mistakes.

The division between Alliance and Horde is never going to be simply good versus evil, but instead purity versus diversity. Playing as Alliance, I am struck by how good the missions can be (excluding the obvious fringes, like warlock quests). Playing as Horde, I am given many quests I would consider devious, if not downright evil. But then again, playing as Horde I am amazed at its cultural and stylistic diversity and mobility. Everything seems to be changing and hopeful: new lands to be settled, new beliefs to be awakened. Everyone brings together for a great big melting pot. And then I go through Alliance quests and realize just how restrictive and rejecting they can be. And just a sense of...sameness. Simply put, I am deeply interested to see how the Horde storyline plays out. Perhaps I will finish it before my month runs out!

On Missions

2010-08-17T19:49:00.002-04:00

It is inspirational and daunting to read the works of Andrew Walls. He's my favorite missionary, a man I respect both for his remarkable grasp of theology and church history, but also for his application of that knowledge to the mission field. I seriously hope to grow up to be like him. But it seems that it might not be possible. The golden age of missions has past; this is a world of local missions and native-lead churches. The fallen and obsolete West has little to teach the new revivals in Africa, Asia, and South America. If anything, we need missionaries from them. At times, I wonder if I am necessary or even wanted. What if there is no place for missionary theologians in the world today?

In any case, I've been reading a good deal of Andrew Walls these days. He has a delightfully ecumenical view of Christianity and missions while rooting it in a deep understanding of Christianity's history. He can describe, with great relish, the cultural sensitivity of Catholic missionaries while still remembering that in 1910, a missions conference could never be held with Protestants, Catholics, and Eastern Orthodox believers under one roof. Indeed, a conference of churches couldn't be held, only one of differing missionary societies. It's remarkable to hear of a world where divisions of denomination were so deeply held, to the point of hindering communication. Then I realize it is all too true in my own time: my denomination has seen its schisms and I have a vague understanding of Eastern Orthodoxy and a muted prejudice of Pentecostalism.

Though, I feel it should be mentioned, Andrew Walls has helped me with that last part. While I have every reason to question some theological choices that the charismatic movement makes, I cannot fault them for being a revival of interest and purpose for the Christian church. Indeed, viewed from the perspective of history, I'd rather have a church charged with purpose and empathy and loose on its doctrine than a church without flaw in its beliefs but dead to the world. Ironic, I suppose, given that my duty as a theologian is to carefully sift heresy from truth in the religious performances of my day. I worry that I would fail in my work, that I will be far too lenient and let gross falsities pass by. But then again, who knows what work God really has in store for me? The future has never seemed so muddled.

The distant future, at least. For the time, Jessica and I are stationed and stabilized in our life in Kentucky. Jessica recently got a job at Petsmart, solving our financial woes for the time being. Our home is a settled house, though I am still learning how to live in it. So many cupboards left open, teacups left on tables, and cooking spaces left uncleaned. I fear I have been a poor student of Mrs. French and Jermakov. Still, I press on. A family man, I hope to be. And the first step of that is being an excellent husband.

Home's Feeling More Like Home

2010-07-13T22:44:00.002-04:00

Everyday I come home, it feels more like home. There are less boxes clogging up the living room. Furniture is set up. New groceries like coffee grounds or bread are here. Most of these changes are due to the diligence of my beloved wife. This couldn't be home without her, really. Home is where the heart is. She went to the post office today and set up our mailbox. We are officially connected to the external world by snail mail. We have a weak connection online by a coffeehouse just down the street. Our landowners mentioned setting up a wireless connection for a fee soon. We'll jump on that. It would be so much cheaper than setting up a contract ourselves. There's so much left to do. Boxes to be broken down and put away. Insurance to be decided and set up. But everyday, home is more like home.

Work at the ESJ office continues to go well. Kate, the previous Work Study, came in and explained the process for cataloguing books and processing class evaluations. It turns out she didn't finish last semester's evaluations, even though Pat thought she had. This has become my first priority. Cataloguing the 8 boxes of donated literature is my next goal for the summer. If I accomplish these things by the semester's start, I will be in excellent shape. Still not sure how many hours I'll get a week during the summer. We don't know how much money we'll get for Work Studies until next week. Pat suggested to another administrative assistant that, if things get tight, she might have me work both offices. Apparently I'm the only Work Study hired this summer, despite other offices getting significantly expanded duties. Pat has seniority over everyone, so she got hers. I don't mind being shared. I sure can use the extra hours.

I went through the ESJ library today. It is a small but beautiful library filled with Christian literature. Apostolic Fathers, modern evangelicals, all huddled together and pondering the Truth. I have the urge to read again. I can't wait to get a chance to. As soon as my home is even more home.

Life Down Under

2010-07-12T23:11:00.002-04:00

It's ironic that on this exhaustingly busy day I choose I have the time to write. I've had much more time other days, if not other weeks. I've expended more effort, loved more people, progressed my life further today than entire months I've lived this year. Maybe that is why I write. Because I finally have something worth writing. My life has meaning.

Jessica and I have safely made it to Kentucky. We have a spacious apartment within walking distance from my work, my school, a laundromat, a grocery store. Oh, and we live above a Subway. No joke. We could cut a hole in our floor and ask them to throw 6 inches up through it. We are truly surrounded by win. Life is still dispersed. Our rooms are full of boxes. Our furniture is coming down in two weeks with my parents. This is actually going to be the first night we're sleeping in the apartment because there was no power here the two days we've been staying in Wilmore. God turned it into a blessing, and Jessica's mom paid for a hotel room so we could have air conditioning.

Work has been especially pleasant. I work under a remarkable secretary named Pat Richmond. Pat has worked at Asbury for more than two decades. She's run this office longer than I've been alive. That alone should garner my respect. But beyond that, she's just an amazing person. She runs a charity where she furnishes houses for foreign students. She figures, after a 14-hour flight, the last thing they need is to sleep on sheetless beds and wake up to tables rigged from up-turned cardboard boxes. Her favorite story is of an Indian girl whose found a doll on her bed her first day in America. She's in college now and still has that doll. It meant that much to her.

Work wasn't perfect, though. I broke the typewriter today, my first day. I was writing labels and some got stuck to the roll. When I removed the roll and got it off, it wouldn't print the bottom part of letters. Apparently this happened to Pat before, so we just shrugged our shoulders and moved on.

Working here just one day has shown me a secret of the world: office file systems hold untold knowledge if a secretary keeps them full. There are at least twelve large metal drawers full of folders of various information about students, teachers, budgets, events, everything that has ever happened in the E. Stanley Jones School of World Missions and Evangelism. And it's one of my jobs to add more knowledge to those ravenous drawers. I am the dirt-marked minion who feeds the monsters. Know this and quake, for without my dutiful labors, they would eat you instead. But I jest...maybe. Best that I do my job well all the same.

CCM is not the Devil

2010-06-07T20:54:00.004-04:00

I'm currently stationed in Asbury Seminary, looking for an apartment to live in for my next two years with a woman whom I will live with for my entire life. It's an exciting adventure, one that hopefully will spark many thoughts for writing on this blog. But for now, I have a simple thought to present.

Contemporary Christian Music is my musical homeland. The core of my subjective interaction with it will always be Christian Punk/Rock: bands like Santus Real, Relient K, or Audio Adrenaline. Whenever I think of music that I truly enjoy, that I immediately attach myself to, it is music such as this. My foundation is wider than these bands. I readily identify with Kutless, Thousand Foot Krutch, dctalk, P.O.D., and lighter bands like Jars of Clay and Steven Curtis Chapman. These bands, this music is my childhood. I can listen to this and remember a life a decade ago. I do not discount other people's music. I have traveled abroad and lived in many lands. I went to Nathaniel's world and tasted many techno and trance beats. I've been to Jillian's world and indulged pleasantly in classical music of stunning varieties. I love these other fresh expressions of music. Much of it is far better than the music I come from. But these other forms of music will always be someone else's music. Christian Rock will always be my music, the music of my past and heritage.

I consider it a great blessing to find my music on Jessica's iPod. It was listening to it on the way down to Kentucky that inspired this post. It brightens my heart to know that we come from the same traditions at least in this one tiny way. And when our children complain about our old people songs, they'll be hearing this.

The Cost of Cheap Grace

2010-05-23T14:51:00.003-04:00

I've been reading a lot of Dietrich Bonhoeffer these days. It's been good for my soul. Dietrich doesn't have to justify himself: he's serving God against the darkest force in his universe (he referred to Hitler as The Antichrist on several occasions) and died a martyr for his cause in a concentration camp. He's not trying to make Protestant folk feel good about their lifestyles of fast cars and big houses (That's right, I'm looking at you, prosperity doctrine). His job is to explain the suffering of real Christians and convince unreal ones to trade their comfortable lives for persecution.

His diagnosis of the problem of modern Christianity is simple: we sell our grace cheap to people who neither want it or understand it. We promise salvation for some quick words and mental assent to a few basic propositions (Jesus is my savior, Bible is the Word of God, Amen.) We baptize, confirm, and church untold millions, and the majority are uninspired to live any better than their pagan ancestors. Myself included. The scenario he describes--a Christian who feels a weak connection to God and no motivation to do good deeds--is my life, my scenario. His life and suffering are what I needed to see that his solution really is my cure for cheap grace.

Christians need to realize two things to be proper disciples of Christ. First is what all evangelicals believe: that only those who believe can obey. Any Calvinist could tell you that. We're depraved, sinful folk, only God can save us, and so forth. Dietrich shows that only holding this belief is a surefire way to forget Christ: it begs for a lazy faith. We can't do anything, so why do anything? To act as a counterweight, Dietrich shows the second principle of true discipleship: only those who obey can have faith.

Being the good Protestant he is, Dietrich lays out that this is not works righteousness. He's not saying that you have to obey to be saved. He is saying that, without obeying, you cannot follow Christ. Consider Peter. How could he follow Christ and keep fishing? Consider Levi. How can he follow Christ and still sit behind his customs table? Consider the rich young man. He was called to sell all his possessions. It is only by this act of obedience that he can truly follow his Lord.

This is something I need to answer to. My faith is weak and the true reason for this weakness is not that God has not given enough to me. It is because I have not followed God's call to me.

Reset Button for Life

2010-04-20T20:01:00.002-04:00

There's something entirely liberating about the "delete all posts" button in blogger. One press and everything you've ever said on this internet venue can never be accessed. I keep a backup of my posts for posterity (and possibly to show my children when I've almost died and don't have to fear the sheer embarrassment that would cause). But I can just make the blog lose its history...go somewhere else...wherever I feel to chose.

I'm at a turning point in my life. "The Reset Button" has been pressed, if you will. No longer am I the dawdling young college student, able to fritter away his time and expect the worst of life to be a late essay. Everything has real consequences. Words have to be watched, actions precisely determined. A lack of initiation can ruin a relationship, crush a dream, anything.

But the rewards are far greater as well. I have a chance to change the world in an substantial albeit minuscule way. I will soon be married, because I had the determination to maintain a relationship that is worth any cost. Children are wiser in the ways of science and logic, if only by a small fraction, because I worked in their lives. Any number of people have not been infected with viruses and bacteria because I sanitize everything and well. And someday, so far away, I will teach East Asia pastors how their 3rd century brothers understood the faith, how to translate the Greek texts themselves, or what the doctrine of predestination really means.

The last phrase has a taste of irony to me. I've officially decided which seminary I will be attending and it proudly declares a "Wesleyan-Arminian tradition" as its foundation. What's a Calvinist to do? Yes, I am now an official member of Asbury Theological Seminary in Wilmore, Kentucky (near Lexington, a couple hours south of Cincinnati). Why have I made this choice? Because they established a multicultural community in a town where the "historical downtown" is shorter than 500 yards. Because their president was taught under my favorite missionary and personal hero, Andrew Walls, and because they are hosting a seminar in Edinburgh that the 90-year-old Walls will be attending just because he respects them that much. Because the on-campus housing is absolutely gorgeous and Calvin's seminary housing is nigh identical to its college housing. Because Asbury will give me $6,000 to learn under them and Calvin will only give $3500. But the greatest reason? It feels like a place I can grow spiritually.

Will it be a perfect fit? I don't know. I worry about the academic rigor that they will provide at the early levels. The New Testament Intro course that I visited felt like an informal Bible Study. The Masters of Arts in Theological Studies they offer doesn't require Greek or Hebrew, which concerns me as well. Their theology is staunchly Arminian, which is a blessing and a curse: I will be challenged, but I will also grow through it. It is 6 hours from Jessica's family in Painesville and 8 hours from my family in Muskegon. Wilmore is hours from the nearest Asian grocery and as entertaining as any place with a population of 5,000.

In any case, it's just good to be decided. My life is heading in a direction again. I've felt so stagnant and disconnected. Now I have peace and purpose. It'll be refreshing to be a student again. I have not done well as anything else.